


these walls between us

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Series: catch me (before i fall) [1]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Insomnia, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Sleep Deprivation, based on my own experiences, bc (mental) health before relationship, metaphors with walls, movie dates!, not as romantic as u think, pov changes tho, ruki-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25707490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: "For real, if you want to get closer to him, that'll be hard. This boy has built walls around himself, and these walls are colored red already. If you know what I mean. "Ruki knows what he means. He directs his gaze back to Shosei, who's looking at the teacher.But there's nothing in those eyes, as if they were just staring at a wall.Or, Ruki meets a boy surrounded by walls, but i doesn't stop him from wanting to get closer step by step, to the angel called Ohira Shosei.
Relationships: Ohira Shosei/Shiroiwa Ruki, feat implied junkiren nd keikumi
Series: catch me (before i fall) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864441
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15





	these walls between us

**Author's Note:**

> this is the prequel/extended version of [if i could](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24926431) that one is a rather short rundown of what happens but focuses on shoseis side only. its not required to read this one hence its the second part in the series.

The question of origin, it's something many people ask themselves.

_When had this started? What caused this? Since when was it like this?_

Ruki asks himself those questions, too. However, about another person.

Ruki actively notices Shosei two times, and in both cases it's like he's meeting him for the first time.

The first time happens in the school library. Ruki sits at a table all by himself and types out notes for an assignment. For one second, he allows himself to take his eyes of the screen and take a break, and then he sees him.

It's a smile that catches his eyes, a boy beaming like the actual sun. He's sitting few tables apart from Ruki with another person, they're laughing _and maybe Ruki stares a little too long_.

But he leaves it like that and returns to his studies, trying to get the thought of who that boy is off his mind.

The second time he notices him happens some months later. It's in a coincidentally shared class, and he finally gets his name from Keigo (he sits consciously next to him since Keigo knows basically the entire campus).

The boy's name is Ohira Shosei. Shosei, written with the Kanji for "blessed " and "life ".

Ruki thinks that it's a very pretty name, and he feels like actually telling Shosei so. But, there's something that puts him off.

Different, very different to the first time he's noticed him, is the air around Shosei. It feels thick and cold, as if there were enormous invisible walls separating him from the rest of the world.

Ruki's other seat neighbor Syoya notices his gaze and teasingly nudges him. Ruki tells him off (if there's one thing he hates being teased about, it's his frequent crushes) and Syoya gets unexpectedly serious.

"For real, if you want to get closer to him, that'll be hard. This boy has built walls around himself, and these walls are colored red already. If you know what I mean. "

Ruki knows what he means. He directs his gaze back to Shosei, who's looking at the teacher.

But there's nothing in those eyes, as if they were just staring at a wall.

-

_This boy has built walls around himself, and these walls are colored red already. If you know what I mean._

Ruki thinks about it throughout the next weeks. He wonders _why_ at some point, but then accepts that it is just that way for now. Not everything has a proper reason.

Sometimes, more than before now, Ruki catches Shosei in the corridors between classes. Sometimes with others, mostly alone. He usually gives off this feeling of... melancholy. If that's the right word. Although being a literature student and having somewhat of a decent vocabulary, Ruki can't find a proper word to describe it.

Ironically, he was never good at describing what he saw, only at interpreting it. What Ruki sees with Shosei, is walls. Always. Sometimes thicker, sometimes thinner - but what they all have in common is that they're tainted crimson red. As they're soaked in blood. As if somthing died at these walls.

He wonders, what it might be. For now, he can't make sense of it. It is a mystery like a letter in a language he can't read, enveloped in high walls.

He continues wondering about the walls, without knowing why. He wonders how they look like. He's even asked his father about it subtly, and got a bit out of that conversation, but also, as his old man is not a friend of many words, not much.

He'd explained that some people's walls had mirrors inside them that make them face themselves constantly, in all perspectives. Some walls had interior inside, and maybe even a window, but in case of that, the window is locked and cant be opened. Other walls also had more walls inside, connected to each other to from a twisted maze without an entrance nor exit. But most had just nothing inside.

From what Ruki's understood, and from what he knows about the meaning of walls, it depends on the type of fear the person has. It's a really internalised, personal fear - the point where they're the most vulnerable, and that's why they build walls. How these walls look, depends on the individual.

Ruki wonders about the walls engulfing Shosei. How do they look on the inside? What made them turn this deep red? Questions over questions. But, Ruki knows for sure, it's not his place to ask any of those. Neither is it his place to help. It really isn't.

-

One of these nights, Shosei's wide awake, again.

He's staring at the ceiling, as if he could find something there, something hidden, but in reality there is nothing. However, his mind's full.

It's running at hyper speed through all kinds of topics, and Shosei can't control it; it's too fast. _Why am I even thinking about this? *, he asks himself instead, and *This is stupid. Why don't I sleep instead._

_Because I can't. Not when I'm like this._

Shosei gets an impulse, and checks the time on his phone. The blue light illuminates his face as the digits on the lookscreen tell him _01.45 am_. He sighs, and drops the phone off to his side. He's really hopeless. Can't sleep because of stupid feelings he can't control.

It's happening way too often recently.

When Shosei goes to class later, he's positive that most people don't notice his lack of sleep because his eyes are as droopy as usual and he'd put on concealer to hide his purple eyebags.

He feels dizzy when the lesson begins, he wants to sleep again but tells himself that he can't, it's class right now, he has to hold up.

Though the class is not _that_ important, something about dramatic writing... He can surely copy off Takumi's notes later... He sways his gaze ro where the red-haired student is sitting. Takumi's watching the teacher with diligence, taking notes here and there. Shosei wishes he could concentrate, he _should_ be able to, he _must_... But he feels so dizzy, and his sleepiness is the only thing he can think about. If he could rest...

Shosei ends up knocking out, and luckily no one notices. He's a bit confused when everyone around him starts leaving, but he quickly adjusts and leaves with everyone on time.

In the corridor, he stops for a moment and sighs.

He wonders for how long he can keep up.

-

"Ruki! Ruki!! "

Keigo snaps the older out of his daydream, and he takes a second to refocus. "Eh, what? "

Keigo shakes his head and sighs. "Really, if you don't stop making such big heart eyes at Ohira they might fall out. "

Ruki scratches his head. "You are in _no_ position to tease me. " Keigo doesn't say anything; just pursing his lips, but Ruki can see the tips of his ears turning red and he mentally high-fives himself.

"Anyways ", Ruki continues, "since we're on topic anyways, do you know anything about Ohira? " Keigo stares at him. "No why would I? "

"Because you know like, half of the campus?? "

"Just because so many people attend my parties doesn't mean I know them all! Besides, Ohira always keeps to himself. I don't think he even has friends or so. I never see him talking with anyone. "

Ruki lets out a groan and stretches. "We both like quiet people, don't we? " Keigo rolls his eyes, but the other just grins wider. "Come on, you can't deny it. "

This time the blonde-haired doesn't snap back, he just looks over to another place. Ruki follows his gaze and is lead to Takumi, eating his lunch all by himself by the window. Ruki looks back into Keigo's eyes, and they're full of stars, as if he's viewing the most beautiful thing in the world. Full of admiration.

Ruki sighs to himself, and thinks, thinks about his beautiful thing. Shosei was very much like a flower in a glass vase; beautiful but fragile. Ruki often thinks that he's got to be so careful when approaching the younger (if he does it, one day), and it makes him anxious. Because he knows _nothing_. He doesn't know where the walls start, and he doesn't want to test the waters either, because he could easily color Shosei's walls in an even deeper red.

So for now, he'll be just content by admiring Shosei from afar, taking in its precious fragility as much as he can.

-

If Shosei has learned something from this 'episode ' he's been having, it's that it always gets worse.

Whenever he thinks that he might finally feel better, sleep better, or so, it gets _much_ worse. As if his body and mind don't want to let him have a break. They've forged an evil union with the world against him. It's Shosei against his life.

He shifts around in his bed and the blankets rustle. He turns to Sukai's bed, to see if he accidentally woke to other boy up but he presumes that the other one's still deep in dreams. Shosei lets out a careful, quiet sigh.

_I want to sleep._

_I just want to fucking sleep._

_But no matter what I do, I can't. My body and mind won't let me._

_It's fucked up. I'm fucked up._

He turns around again, and feels tears roll down his cheeks, but he doesn't even bother wiping them away and shuts his eyes.

Everything afterwards is a blurry dream. Shosei feels like his flying, high, high up into the air, far away from everything. A space where he's free, free of any worries and trouble.

Here he can breathe.

Shosei inhales, feels the air fill up his lungs. He closes his eyes, breathes out - but it comes out chocked. In confusion he blinks his eyes open again, and suddenly he's falling.

All from up there he's falling down, fast, everything rushes past him like a flash. The wide blue of the sky turns a dark lifeless grey, and all hope for freedom is lost.

Shosei sees drops of water over him; they are his tears left behind from the fall. They are black as the night, looking like dots of nothing in the sky. A reminder of his inner pain, all his inner holes that he tries so desperately to keep closed. But there open here, for all to see, and more tears escape Shosei, he wants to sob, but he can't speak, can't even breathe, it's so suffocating, and the ground's coming closer and closer-

Shosei wakes up with a start. After a second of adjusting he recognizes the outlines of his dorm, and his bed. He groans and it comes out louder than he'd intended to, making him feel a bit uncomfortable.

Looking around is hard because of his clogged eyes. The lashes are stuck together because of tiny sticky crumbs - dried tears.

Shosei manages to catch a piece of the sky through the dark curtains. It's dyed pink. The sun is rising.

Shosei shifts around to reach over the edge of the bed for his phone. _4.34 am._

A sigh. He hasn't made it through the night again.

-

Ruki rubs his eyes, still feeling groggy from last night, and pushes himself out of bed. His head pounds, and his feet sway a bit as he walks, but it's not the worst hangover he's had. He pulls on a pair of joggers and a sweater; it's a Sunday morning so he doesn't have to worry about looking presentable for any classes.

Ruki lets out a yawn as he slumps into the kitchen, falling into one of the wooden chairs. Ren's already there, making breakfast for the two of them. It smells nice. Ruki is indeed very grateful for his roommate.

Said man turns away from the stove to smile a "good morning " at him. Ruki (unwillingly) yawns again in reply.

"Last night really got too you, huh? Did you have fun at least? ", Ren asks while cracking up an egg. "By the way, scrambled or sunny side up? "

"Sunny ", Ruki just groans. It's too early. 10 am is always to early when you've been busy getting wasted until 3 in the morning. God, Ruki hasn't drunk that much in a while. The piled up recent frustrations and the end of midterms did it for him, he guesses. Besides...

"I heard you kissed Sho. "

Ruki blinks, nods and, because Ren can't see his gestures, adds a hum to it.

There's a pause before Ren speaks up again, presumably because he's busy flipping the eggs over. "Was it fun? " eventually comes.

Ruki tilts his head to the side, and thinks back to last night. It's been a while since he's felt a pair of lips on his own. The feeling was almost as intoxicating as the liquor he's had consumed, if not even more - but that's as much as he can remember. The rest is blurred by the alcohol, just fuzzy images and hushed sounds in his head.

"It was nice, having that after a while. " is the reply he gives. "Though we didn't do anything beyond making out, I was really tired already... But he drove me home afterwards. "

Ren nods and grabs a pair of plates to put their eggs on. He serves, and Ruki immediately digs into it after thanking for the meal. It's everything he needs right now, a warm and light breakfast that's enough to satisfy his hunger but not too filling to hinder his planned sleep after this.

"Ren ", Ruki says between small chews, "did you shoot your shot with Junki too? "

The older looks up from the half-eaten egg on his plate, and sighs. "No. "

"You're admitting to your cowardice at least, I guess. "

"Yeah... ", Ren whispers, and stuffs a piece of egg into his mouth.

"That was your only chance, though. I mean, you don't get to see Junki any other way, usually. "

Junki, Ren's crush (for 2 _years_ now), is a college student like them, but on another campus. Ren met him at Sho's birthday party, since Junki's Sho's younger brother and Sho and Ren are acquaintances. The latter fell for the guy with the sparkling eyes at first sight.

Ren answers something but it comes out slurred between chews. "That's how our lives are, I guess. A series of missed chances. "

"You still have a chance, though. ", Ren says, and maybe Ruki's imagining it as tired as he is, but he sounds jealous.

"What chance? I can't even get information about Shosei. No one knows him. ", Ruki rambles while picking at his empty plate with the fork.

"Hm " Ren puts his (empty) fork next to his mouth completing his thinker look. Honestly, Ruki has no idea why Ren doesn’t just go for it. Men, women, no matter who, every person on earth is in some way fascinated by Kawashiri Ren. Handsome peoples' privilege. Though, from what he’s seen, it's quite a pest sometimes. "I know someone who might. ", Ren says.

Ruki raises an eyebrow. "Who? "

"A freshman. Mamehara Issei. He's like the Keigo of the freshmen and sophomores. ", the other elaborates. "Though admittedly I don't know him _that_ well, he's only a friend of Takumi."

Ruki hums. "That's better than nothing. Ask him, then. "

"Only if you give me another opportunity with Junki. ", Ren demands. His voice is firm; he's serious.

"Why should I? You've ruined yours by yourself. ", Ruki talks back in attempt to get away without a deal.

"But now that you're friends with Sho... "

"We're not friends- " Ren looks up at Ruki with his infamous puppy eyes, and Ruki swears, if it weren't for Shosei, he'd probably have a crush on his roommate. "Okay... "

"Deal? "

"Deal. "

"Fantastic ", Ren cheers. "Let's clean up the kitchen then, shall we? " Ruki groans. "I wanted to sleep... " "Then work now. You'll fall asleep more easily afterwards. ", Ren says with a wink before shoving a bunch of plates at the younger.

 _Every second chance has a price_ , Ruki tells himself. Though it's his first chance. But whatever.

-

And so, few days later Ruki finds himself sharing a table with Ren, Takumi and (presumably) Issei at lunch. The boy's young, only 18 if Ruki's heard correctly. A smart one, too. But he's planning going to major in dance, like Ren.

"So about Ohira... ", Ruki tries to start.

"Mhm ", Issei hums and swallows the rest of his bread. "The quiet boy. Honestly, he always keeps to himself, and from what I've seen, no one ever approaches him either. "

"It's like ", Issei adds, "it’s like there's a wall between him and the rest of the world. He's isolated like that. "

_A wall._ Ruki's known about it before but he didn't want it to be as worse as it actually is. But it's there. _A deep crimson red wall._

"I see ", he replies simply.

"I'm sorry I can't tell you more. But even I really don't know much more besides the basic shit, his age, major, roommate and so. "

"Have you ever tried talking to his roommate? ", Ren suggests. Issei shrugs. "An asset, I guess. Though that's also a quiet one. Kinjo Sukai is his name. "

"Kinjo? I think I've seen him at my faculty. ", Takumi throws in. "Do you know his major? Is he in acting as well? "

Issei nods, and Takumi makes a knowing 'oh ' sound. His mouth widens to the shape of a heart, though. It's a Takumi thing. Keigo definitely has a point for being so infatuated with this guy.

"Okay ", Ren says as he takes a sip of his coffee, "the rest's up to Ruki then. "

The said boy nods and looks down at the table, trying to think of a way to _do_ this. He fumbles around with the straw stuck into his ice tea. The ice clacks against the glass as if it's a melody. Click clack. Click clack. Click clack.

Maybe it's also like the sound of a clock. Tick tack. Tick tack. Tick tack.

-

Shosei reads hundreds, thousands of articles about work-life balance, proper resting and sleep tips recommended by worried teachers and obnoxious relatives. But it doesn't really help that much. He tells himself _they don't know my thoughts, they can't grasp what's really going on._ Maybe it's like that, or maybe he's just stupid.

In some way, it all feels like a list of the things _he's lost_.

At some point, he's had a routine.

Wake up, shower, wash face, thrown on some clothes, eat a light breakfast, go to classes. Go back to the dorm, study, eat dinner, wash face, brush teeth, sleep. Repeat.

Over the time, it has quite deteriorated.

Things replaced one another, new points were added while others were done half-heartedly or even fully dropped. First it was something supporting Shosei, until it became the only thing _keeping him together._

First, he had tried. But now, he doesn't care anymore. He can't bring up the energy to. It's like there's an invisible black hole accompanying his every moment, sucking up all motivation and will.

He has no energy to make himself look presentable. He has no energy to cook a proper meal. He has no energy to talk to anyone really. He has no energy to remain awake throughout the day. He has no energy to take care of himself. He has no energy to live properly.

Shosei doesn't try anymore now.

He just waits for the day he'll fall.

-

It takes a few days (3, to be exact), but eventually Ruki gathers up his courage and approaches Shosei.

It's not easy doing so, when the target person in question is extremely closed off and virtually surrounded by who knows how thick walls. But Ruki tells himself that he'll fine, there's no harm in trying as long as he doesn't fuck it up completely, and honestly, he's Shiroiwa Ruki, he can do it.

He has a hour until his next class and spots Shosei having lunch by himself at a table in the campus café. Ruki grabs a coffee with his favourite blend (light roast, the one they offer in this café is _fantastic_ ) and approaches the table.

"Hey "

Shosei looks up from his sandwich. Ruki blinks.

"Can I sit down here? "

"Sure.. ", Shosei slowly says. As if he's not trusting Ruki. Well, who would.

They sit there in silence. Shosei eats his sandwich, Ruki drinks his coffee, and they're both staring out of the window. But not at each other.

"Ah " Ruki lets out in a desperate attempt to start a conversation and puts his emptied cup down. "The coffee's really the best in town here. Don't you agree? "

Now Shosei blinks. The standard human way of communicating "I have no reply to this " through the 'window to the soul ', the eyes. "I don't drink coffee as much these days. Disrupts my already fucked sleep schedule. "

"Hm, but you look like you're about to knock out, you could surely use the caffeine. "

Shosei flinches ( _very_ slightly, but ever-so attentive-when-nervous Ruki notices _of course_ ), and said boy immediately starts searching for the wrong in his previous words. "I'm fine. ", Shosei says plainly.

Oh yes, how could've Ruki forgotten. People (mostly _these_ types of people) don't like it when you point out their weaknesses. Even if it's in good will. So, he has to find a proper way to get close to Shosei without hurting him, but without walking on eggshells around him either.

"Just wanted to recommend it. I mean if you don't like coffee, you don't have to drink it. ", Ruki says and adds a light chuckle.

".... Thank you. ", Shosei says with hesitation. Ruki can't make out why.

"Anyways ", Ruki continues, and musters up all his acting skills to pretend to not know a thing, "what's you're name? "

"Ohira Shosei. " He smiles softly (and Ruki wants to die, he did _not_ expect that) and holds out his hand.

"Shiroiwa Ruki. The local friendly literature junior at your service. ", he elaborates and adds a little prince bow as an (horrible) attempt at comedy.

However, Shosei laughs, and Ruki thinks he's won the world. That's enough for now. Just having made Shosei laugh, show that angelic smile along to the sound that sounds like the chimes of heaven. Shosei is truly an angel, in and out.

Ruki smiles to himself, and hopes that Shosei won't notice his faintly red-dyed cheeks. "I'm a directing major. Film directing. ", the angel (Shosei) explains, and thank god it seems like he hasn't noticed shit.

"That's cool ", Ruki offers as a reply (honestly, he has no idea what he's doing but he thinks he's doing well), "do you like movies? "

Shosei nods, and Ruki sees a light shine in his eyes. He really does seem to be passionate about it, judging from the way his usually rather dull eyes light up like this.

"There was a movie I was planning to watch, what was it called, I think 'Seven minutes after midnight '? "

"You mean 'A monster calls '. ", Shosei corrects him.

"Any way, I read the book out of interest recently. Loved it, and I heard the movie was good so I wanted to go. And, since I've just met a film fan, why not take him with me? "

"Uh ",Shosei stutters. "Out of the blue? We just met- " Maybe Ruki's delusional already, but maybe Shosei's also _actually blushing_. _No, you're definitely delusional_ , he tells himself.

"But I like you. "

There it is again, the "I have no clue what to say " blink. But in this situation, Ruki doesn't know if it's good or very bad.

"If you're serious, then... I'd be happy to come. "

Yes, he's basically just won something as important as the Nobel price, if not even more. In Ruki's world. Shosei smiles shyly, and then he's done for real This all must be a delusion, right? Right?

-

When maybe-I'm-still-stuck-in-a-delusion Ruki reaches his dorm he quickly undresses and plops himself into one of the kitchen chairs, gathering Ren's attention.

"Ren, I just won the jackpot. ", he says dramatically. Adds even a pant to it.

The older man looks up from his study book and raises an eyebrow, all too familiar with Ruki's exaggerations.

"I have a movie date with Shosei. Next Saturday, 5 pm. "

"Wah!! ", Ren exclaims happily and holds up his hand for a high-five. "Amazing, you did it!! "

Ruki scratches his neck, "It's not officially a date, though. "

"Whatever ", Ren answers and gestures around with his hands. "It's a great chance for you! You can confess afterwards! "

"You say that so easily... "

Ren pauses. "I mean, what movie are you watching? "

"A monster calls "

Ruki's roommate thinks for a second. "Well, that's...I mean, you can hold his hand if he cries- "

"Ren, today was the first time we've _ever_ talked. We're basically strangers. ", Ruki says. It comes out harsher than he'd wanted, and Ren lets out a tiny whine.

"No matter what, most important rule is to follow your gut instinct. "

"Where did you read _that_ "

Ren just shrugs as he stands up, taking his book with him. "101 date advice ", he chuckles, and Ruki rolls his eyes.

"There's way better dating literature out there! ", he shouts after Ren who's leaving into the direction of his room. "Besides, focus on your own business with Junki! "

"I know ", the other shouts back, "that's why I read the book in the first place ", Ren snickers. "But you're the literature major, not me! " Then the door clicks. Ruki sighs, but smiles. Maybe it's not a bad advice actually, to just trust himself.

-

The sun's still shining bright outside when Ruki gets to the agreed meeting point (a _specific_ bench in the middle of a park), but that's typical for summer. He sits down, and soon Shosei appears. Ruki takes a second to take the younger's look in.

He's dressed in a white printed T-shirt, a sports jacket lightly slung around his waist and black skinny jeans. It fits him perfectly.

Ruki smiles and gives an (awkward) "Hi " which Shosei returns. He sits down next to the older, not too far away but also not too close, and Ruki tells himself that that's a good thing.

They have a light chatter until it's time to make their way to the cinema. There they get - at Shosei's request - a jumbo bucket of popcorn and coke for the both of them.

First there's a tremendous amount of ads of course, but Ruki takes the time to calm his fast beating heart down by convincing himself that he is _not_ sitting next to his crush about to watch a heart-breaking movie. It works well for the first minutes, but then Ruki finds himself going back to sneaking glances at Shosei, and whenever the boy smiles and throws another popcorn in, Ruki's brain short-circuits.

At some point, the movie starts and Ruki can focus fully on that. It's, shortly said, beautifully tragic. Ruki immerses himself in the story, although having already read the book, viewing it brought to life on the movie screen is a _completely_ new experience .

Maybe that's why he doesn't notice when Shosei lightly grasps his hand during the climax scene in the hospital - he even squeezes it a bit tighter the moment Conor lets go of his mom's hand. Ruki fights the tears but Shosei lets them flow, and wipes them away using the hand that had previously been touching Ruki's. It doesn't return there again.

After the movie ends they both stumble out as an emotional mess caused by the it. Ruki keeps himself composed but as soon as they're out of the cinema hall, Shosei pulls him to the side to sob into his shoulder. It's slightly awkward, given that they'd just met - but Ruki doesn't care in that moment. He opts to simply patting Shosei's head and resting his hand there.

-

The trouble begins when Ruki sits in the bus back to the campus (without Shosei; he went to get takeout from his favorite restaurant). He goes over the memory of the movie again,remembers the climax part, and catches a tiny detail in what he's felt - warmth. _On his hand_.

He presumes (for his own good) that it was Shosei. Though that thought makes him freak out even more.

Shosei. Held. His. Hand.

It seems _unreal_ and Ruki wants to run against a wall, but his mind has a better idea. _I mean_ , he tells himself, _that's a very good sign. He trusts me._

Even cried into my shoulder afterwards, he reminds himself. Though their goodbye had been quite awkward (Ruki had to catch the bus, handed over the remains of the popcorn to Shosei along with his number at the exit and left. Well, rather ran away), Ruki's actually positive that this can go somewhere. He has hope (and prays that he won't end up disappointed and heart-broken, it has happened before).

In that moment his phone vibrates, a message from an unknown number - that quickly introduces itself as Shosei.

xxxxxx

 _hi_ _shosei here_ _are u home yet?_

Ruki smiles to himself, saves the number and sends a short reply before he has to get off the bus.

angel

 _hi_ _shosei here_ _are u home yet?_

_just got off at my stop. you?_

-

They continue texting here and there. Not too often, sometimes they don't talk for days, but Ruki tells himself that that's totally okay for the beginning of a friendship.

Though, Ruki has a feeling, a tiny voice at the back of his mind, telling him that there's something off about it. About Shosei. Something he can't get. He pushes it into a corner and decides to deal with it later.

(Maybe he shouldn't have.)

Shosei's thinking. He's thinking hard. About Ruki. And him.

It's not like he's in love with a guy for the first time, but it feels weird, because he's known Ruki for what, two weeks? Shosei thinks he might be really in love - which in itself is no problem, it's only natural that it happens - but that he's falling _so fast_ , that's what scares him.

Shosei doesn't know. Isn't he giving himself away too fast? Isn't he too naive? _Why does he trust Ruki already?_ Fuck, this isn't highschool anymore. He doesn't like that thought, but Ruki could be, whatever. He doesn't _know_ the guy like that. It's fucking scary.

And even more - if that what he feels can be called love, he's only in love with the little bit he knows - a _very_ little bit. It might be just an image, like an idol, or something.

A tiny part of Shosei tries to tell him that he's maybe blowing the problem out of proportion, that he shouldn't indulge too much in those fears, but it's useless.

Tears fall. Shosei, he's fucking afraid.

-

One Friday morning Ruki sits in the campus café to get his coffee (because Ren stayed at Junki's for the night). He's happy for his roommate, that he's made it after all the time. He hopes that he can be confident enough soon, too.

Ruki puts his cup down and suddenly Shosei comes into sight, sitting down in front of him. Albeit looking exhausted, the younger boy musters up a smile. They talk as usual, about university and all that, Ruki mentions Ren's date by the way to explain his presence at the café today, and Shosei also mentions friends of his getting together. Who exactly he doesn't mention, though.

"Oh! On the topic of dating, well just meeting up and stuff ", Shosei begins, reserved in tone. "Would you be up to you know, do something together again?

Ruki's face brightens up. A bit more than he'd wished it to. "Of course! ", he answers with, again, too much enthusiasm. "Do you have anything in mind? "

Shosei starts cramming around in his bag, and eventually pulls out two pieces of paper. "My roommate's parents own a hair salon and they just had their anniversary so he got me some vouchers. So... ", he trails off, but Ruki can fill the blanks by himself (and Shosei's probably intended that).

"That sounds good. ", Ruki replies with a smile, and takes a final sip of his coffee. "I'm away for the weekend, but would Friday afternoon be okay? Around like, 2 pm? "

Shosei thinks for a second, then replies with a nod. "I'll make an appointment and text you the address later, then. "

Ruki smiles with content, and so does Shosei.

The Kinjo's salon is (surprisingly) fairly big and well established, judging from the employees shuffling around inside like busy bees. When Ruki steps inside, he's already beyond impressed. The interior is all dark brown and black tones sprinkled with red and hold, giving it an elegant, high-class look. That is completed by the huge paintings hung up the walls.

Ruki sits down on one of the nicely padded seats and texts Shosei that he's arrived already. He sways his gaze around and feels like in a 1900s British mystery novel.

The door bell chimes as Shosei comes in, mustering up his ever-so soft smile, and Ruki stands up to greet him with a hug. They chatter about the fancy interior (which they both assign to the setting of a classic crime story), life and then their assigned employees 'part ' them (Shosei acts very dramatic about it for comedic effect, and it makes Ruki laugh out loud, but mostly just because it's _endearing_ ).

Roughly 40 minutes later after a relaxing wash (including head massage), some trimming and final styling Ruki dusts the leftover hair off himself and goes to the waiting room to look for Shosei.

When Ruki spots him, a thing is different than before. "You dyed your hair?? "

Shosei nervously straightens his - _now black_ \- bangs and nods.

"It looks amazing, wow ", Ruki marvels. "They really know their job here. "

"You suit the shorter hair, too ", Shosei mentions, and Ruki giggles (shyly) as he touches the nape of his neck where the work’s been done. "Honestly, I've been waiting for you to get that ugly wannabe-mullet off. ", Shosei snickers. Ruki raises his eyebrows in comedic anger and whispers a curse.

Shosei laughs just more, and ugly mullet or not, it's all Ruki needs to forget it all.

They take a walk around town to get to Ruki's favourite sweets store (he buys Shosei an _authentic_ pompom purin pudding pack and cotton candy) while Shosei takes him to a small but comfy Disney store that, for its small size, has _a lot_ of stuff.

Ruki almost loses himself while marvelling at the figurine shelf and all the details on the individual characters while Shosei looks for a cute headband. He comes back holding a pair of two Mickey mouse ones, as they sell them in Disney Land, and he even gets Ruki to pay (after a whole minute of Shosei begging).

They aren't expensive anyways, and when they walk out of the store happily with their matching headbands packed up in shopping bags, the sun's already setting.

Ruki looks around to orientate, and then a bright neon sign catches his eyes. "Hey Shosei, wanna go for a drink before we leave? "

The younger seems taken aback as he visibly tenses up, but he agrees, under the condition that they won't drink much nor stay long inside.

The inside of the club, 'Stargazer ', is _very_ different to the comfy salon of the Kinjo's. There's a whole crowd dancing and moving around in the slightly crammed space and on the dance floor, illuminated by flashy lights to the sound of old pop songs. It's like an 80s love story - wild, free and colourful.

They immediately make their way towards the bar where they settle down and order their liquor of choice.

"You're taking a wine? How fancy. ", Shosei teases but Ruki laughs and throws his head back for comedic effect. "What can you say, you're taking a beer, that's as normal as you can get. "

" _Iced_ beer. ", Shosei empathises sulkily. "It's me and my little iced beer against the fucking world, huh? Besides, it's so hot in here. "

"That sounds like a Tumblr post. ", Ruki chuckles while taking a first sip from his wine.

"It is a Tumblr post. "

"Oh. "

Shosei lets out a sigh, and looks around. Ruki watches, attentively. _Because something feels off. Something, some thing in Shosei's eyes feels out of place._

"Shosei? "

"Hm? " The black-haired takes a second to reply, as lost in his thoughts as he is. "You haven't drunken anything yet. ", Ruki points out while he finishes his own glass.

"Oh, yeah... ", Shosei whispers.

_Not just something in the eyes is wrong._

Ruki watches, tries to catch every detail. The way Shosei's hands grasp the glass just very lightly, the way his eyes slowly blink, the way everything happens and feels... off. Then Ruki realizes.

_Everything is wrong._

But it's too late.

The moment the younger settles his glass on the desk he falls back, losing balance and crashing onto the floor. People turn around, and it all feels _so much_ slower now. As if time stopped.

And Ruki just stares.

"Shosei? Shosei!! "

There's a faint voice, shouting, crying out to him, but Shosei can't even make out _who_ it belongs to. Everything blurs into each other, sharp edges blending together to make swirls of colour, voices disappear, Shosei's head hurts and his eyes feel so, so heavy. He's so tired, feels so exhausted, everything from the last weeks, months even, kicking in. Shosei can't hold up against it. He can't, anymore. He can't even blink the stop the tear welling up. It rolls down his cheek, leaving a wet trail that glisters in the multi-coloured lights, and the moment it dries is the moment Shosei's eyes fall shut.

-

Shosei's falling, deeper and deeper into the dark. He flutters his eyes open and it's dark around him, no matter where he looks. Only at the ceiling there's a tiny light. But it's too far away.

Shosei also can't make himself stop, he continues falling, and it scares him, even though it's slow. Where will he fall too, that's it. Everything is black, as if he's caught in a storm of dark clouds, separating him from his world.

It's scary. Shosei's scared. Afraid. And with every thought of fear he falls faster. Faster into the endless black beneath him, not letting him know how much more he has until he'll hit rock bottom and... die.

Until the world ends.

Suddenly, everything cracks. The darkness cracks with bright bloody-red, and it eats its way to the ceiling, left, right and below, _everything_ around Shosei it eats up and turns into the colour of bright blood.

Shosei wants to cover his eyes, close them in any way but he can't move, he's just falling and _somehow_ he knows that he'll hit the ground soon, a sea of blood that he'll inevitably drown in.

Shosei wants to cry. Wants to scream. But nothing comes out. It's so loud in his head, the cries of pain, but the actual world is silent. It's collapsing, shattering, breaking, but it's all silent.

It hurts. It's all his own blood. His own scars, his own weaknesses stealing the light, _killing hope_. Taking over his life, consuming all of it.

_No no no no no_ , Shosei thinks. _I don't want this. I don't want this._

"I DON'T WANT THIS!!!! "

_Warmth._

Shosei feels numb, like he's lost all senses. But despite that, he feels warmth. Warmth from the blanket he's wrapped in, the bed, the room, and the sunlight. Not an uncomfortable, hot warmth, but a fuzzy, inviting warmth. It feels so good, like he's getting comfort for the first time in weeks, like he's found rest. _It feels so goddamm good._

As his senses start to come back and his eyes get used to his surroundings, he hears a voice singing. A deep yet soft male voice, gentle in tone but full of richness. It sings in a language he doesn't know, but it sounds good and so _warm_. Like a hot chocolate on a cold day. Like a hug from a loved one in a rainy night. It feels so unknown yet familiar.

"Oh, are you waking up? "

The voice that he assumes also belongs to the singer contrasts the one he had sung with, as it's deeper and richer. A guy suddenly looms over Shosei, titling his head and pushing his lips a bit out to form a small pout.

Shosei blinks, but the man's face lights up immediately.

"He's awake!! ", the guy says, careful not to scream, and disappears out of Shosei's field of vision. He tilts his head a bit to catch sight of the guy again, and his figure. He's broadly built, fit, definitely does some kind of sport. Or works out, in any way.

Then, someone opens the door to the room, and when Shosei realizes who it is, his eyes widen and he sits up slowly.

"Ruki. "

The older just smiles his wide ( _cute_ ) smile and steps next to Shosei's bed. "You're awake, I'm so fucking glad, you don't know- "

Shosei puts a hand on his temple. His head still pounds a bit. "What... what happened... "

"You suddenly passed out in the club, Ruki panicked and called me, we brought you over to my apartment and here we are. I'm Sho, by the way. ", the other guy says.

"Ah... " The memories come back with each word. The weeks of no sleep, all the energy he used to hold himself up _especially_ yesterday with Ruki. _Because he didn't want to fall in front of Ruki._ But he did. And...

"Uh ", Ruki says a bit unsure and fumbles with his fingers, "should I get you anything? " "A coffee, please ", Shosei says, trying to muster up a smile. Albeit surprised, Ruki nods and leaves. Sho lets out a sigh, and that makes Shosei remember something.

"Uh, Sho...san? Was it you who sang when I woke up? ", Shosei carefully asks.

"Just Sho is fine. And yes, why? "

"I was wondering what song that was. "

"Ah ", Sho says, and breaks out into a tiny smile. "It's a K-pop song. My little brother's into that stuff, and he sometimes plays his favorite songs when we go to karaoke, so I know a few. The one I sang is called 'Hug '. Did you like it? Should I sing it again? "

Shosei nods quickly. "It felt so warm... ", he mumbles. "Mhm. The lyrics are actually very nice. ", Sho goes on. "Wait, I can search them up for you... " He starts typing on his phone and eventually hands it over. He points to the last few phrases, "I'll sing from there, it's my favourite part. "

Shosei skimms over the lyrics, then closes his eyes to let Sho's warm voice fill his head.

_I'll tell you, who must have had a hard day_

_That I'm here_

_That you did well_

_That I love you_

_And I'll hug you tight._

-

Ruki sits in _his_ living room, head in his hands and thinks. About Shosei. But not in the 'oh I am so in love ' way, in a _'what to fucking do '_ way. Because the boy fainted last night from exhaustion that had been piling up for months. That's all Shosei said and Ruki didn't want to press and let him go. But it leaves them with this problem. _Fuck, what is he supposed to do._

So, as always when he has no idea what to do, he calls Keigo.

"Hey, what's up today? Is the love story going well? " Ruki sighs. "Not exactly- anyways, I need your help. You surely know someone who majors in psychology, right? "

"Uhhh.... yes, I think the boyfriend of my boyfriend's brother is, if I remember correctly... I'll text you his number. "

"Alright, perfect, thanks. Bye. "

The conversation just ends like that. Seconds afterwards he gets a number and a name; Tsurubo Shion. He's heard of the kid before, from Syoya. Makes sense, because Syoya is Takumi's brother (and yes, Keigo and Takumi happened somewhere along the way. Ruki doesn't know why all his friends are faster at confessing _and having luck_ than him).

He texts the kid and soon gets a reply at 1.19 am (but he's a college student, what did he expect). Ruki asks his question, gets a good answer, thanks Shion and that's it. It's as easy as that. Ah, if life could be like that, too.

Ruki lets out a deep, deep sigh. Now he knows more about the psychology of stress and sleep, but that won't solve the Shosei problem. Actually, he now just realizes how big it is.

He loves Shosei. He really does. But this isn't about him, it's about Shosei.

As painful as it is, he has to step back.

Because his feelings can wait - Shosei's _health_ is so much more important. And especially because Ruki cares so much about Shosei, he wants him to be happy. If he has to wait a year, two or ten, then it shall be. It'll be hard, but love isn't easy to get, nor easy to maintain. He's learned that from the past. But, as a wise one always used to say, "the steeper the path, the greater the view at the end " (or so).

He clasps his hands together. If that's what he'll have to do, he will.

-

From there on, things change. As they're bound to be. Ruki hopes that it'll be for the better, but it's not like he'll know their future anyways. It's always in the open.

What counts is that Shosei starts doing better, gradually. The dark shade beneath his eyes fades, the droopy eyes shine just a little brighter with every day. It's not like he's back to what he used to be. He's far from that. And maybe he'll never be. _These walls will never crumble._ But he's learning to live with it.

It's not easy, not easy at all but the burden _gets_ lighter with time, with every second passing. Ruki still can't say that he's not scared, scared of their, of Shosei's unknown future. But he won't know what'll happen without trying, right? So they have to keep on moving forward. Trying, struggling, _living_.

He knows Shosei's so afraid of falling _again_ , no matter how much he tells him that it's fine. But in the end, all Ruki can do is _being there_ , being ready to catch Shosei, in case he falls again. "It feels reassuring. Like an emotional safety net. ", Shosei tells him one day. "It just feels really good. To know that even if I fall so deep down again, you'll be there to catch me. And maybe even before I fall off the cliff. ", he's added with a tiny chuckle.

And while Ruki has his own mountain to climb, he can help Shosei on his own path. It's hard sometimes, keeping the right distance - because of the _way_ Shosei _smiles_ at him, full of preciousness with crescent eyes, glistering teeth and a scrunched up nose. But until he's recovered, until he's ready to take that step, Ruki will wait.

Until the red wears off the walls of fear and Shosei can carve a door into them, Ruki will wait.

**Author's Note:**

> big thank to my beta readers [laura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/weareinnoir/pseuds/takunism) and [em](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sky2sea/pseuds/sky2sea) ily  
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or find me on [ cc ](https://curiouscat.qa/Shoseilover) or [ twt ](https://twitter.com/shoseilovemail)


End file.
